Hard talks and unhappy exits

Posted on 24 Jan 2019 @ 11:34pm by Rear Admiral Azura Ashcart

1,604 words; about a 8 minute read

Mission: Empty Creche
Location: Corridors of ship, Captain's Quarters
Timeline: (BP Season 2, Episode 2) ED 8: 2340

Azura had been walking down the corridors of the Redemption. He had spoken to everyone he needed to and now was wasting time, he realized, because he didn't want to face the two people he cared most about in the world. He froze, tugged his tunic down straight and headed to his quarters.

Keisha had fallen asleep waiting for Azura. Her head was pillowed against the arm of the chair that shed kicked back in to read. They were supposed to have a date this evening, but duty had taken him from her side again. Her book had fallen to her thigh when she'd fallen asleep, her dress a pale violet covered with lace had slipped from her shoulder showing a beguiling amount of alabaster skin beneath.

He came to the door of their quarters and his feet almost turned back towards the turbolift only his will kept him on course. "Computer, dampen door sounds upon entering." This caused the doors typical hiss to be muted to an almost quiet whoosh. He eased into the quarters and looked about, he saw her asleep and his heart melted the iron in his spine softened and he slinked into the bedroom of the quarters. He pulled a traveling case down from the closet's upper compartment and began to pack his uniforms and clothes for Savannah. That was the part that hurt him the most, he knew he would have to bring the child back with him to San Francisco as Thor's new standing orders depopulated line ships of families expect under the direst of circumstances.

She thought she heard something, and slowly from out of the fog that enveloped her brain the sounds of clothing being moved registered. Not opening her eyes she continued to listen as she woke slowly into the dim room.

"Admiral, there is no need to pack those uniforms. Your uniform has changed now you will have to replicate new ones as well as pips when you reach San Francisco." The feminine voice of PALLAS said in a whisper. The movement stopped and the masculine voice of Azura responded: "Gods I hadn't thought of that..."

Her eyes flew open when PALLAS called him an Admiral. One hand raised to rub her eyes and she deduced that she had to have been dreaming. But his response caused a whimper to catch in her throat, 'What do you mean I hadn't thought of that?' But the words wouldn't come.

"Admiral you're going to have to tell her eventually. She should help you pack." The feminine whisper continued "Quiet PALLAS I know," his voice far more biting than normal before softening as he continued "I just don't know how to tell her I have to leave again. I don't know how to hurt her like that dammit, I.. I don't want to."

"That's the curse of falling in love." PALLAS responded and shook her head "Maybe I should try it one day, write me a romance subroutine."

He almost laughed at the irony "You don't want me to PALLAS I'm not exactly a winner in love. I couldn't tell the woman I love that I wanted her. Couldn't tell her why I was afraid to hold her and why her image haunts me so, fills me with such longing and terrible dread." His emotions were close to the surface and ran down their sundered, weakened link in his absentmindedness.

PALLAS knew that Keisha was awake "Well I don't know about that. You have a woman that fought through horrors while pregnant and is still by your side despite it all. You might consider that she's strong enough to support you through it."

"I know she is, I also know she deserves someone who's not a broken shadow of who she fell in love with. Gods is not her who's unworthy it's me." His voice cracked as the full realization of what he was admitting hit him. "How can I take over SFI if I'm not even worthy enough to talk to my wife." The travel container slipped from numb fingers and fell to the floor with a clatter and spilled the collection of uniforms and baby clothes.

.Keisha didn't realize she was moving until the blanket slipped from her bare legs. Her face was wet with tears, but she was silent as she padded over to him on bare feet. She simply shoved the case out of the way and slid her body between his outstretched hands.

He fell stunned to the bed, his mind racing at what had happened and what he had finally admitted to himself. His arms wrapped around her and he clung to her in silent shaking sobs.

Her fingertips stroked through his hair as they lay on the bed, his head pillowed upon her breast. Tracing the line of his ear and down she found one hand to entangle their fingers together. Keisha never thought he'd break down in front of her, and she wept at seeing his pain even as she drew him closer to her.

He struggled to regain control but the emotions raging inside kept his control at bay. He fought but failed and that reinforced his self-assessment as an unworthy man, much less an unworthy Vulcan.

Her fingers drew his hand to her face and she nuzzled her cheek into his palm, a clear invitation to join his mind with hers.

He looked at her and blinked as if seeing her for the first time. "I'm sorry love." He said softly his voice trailing off.

Her eyes closed and a pair of tears dripped down her cheeks. "I understand duty" she whispered then her eyes opened and her blue eyes pierced him "Renew our bond husband..."

He took a deep breath and forced the feelings down. The pain and doubt bubbling close to the top. He exhaled and with a shaking hand cupped her face tentatively reaching out following the links that joined them until the snapped back into place. For a heartbeat they were once, his uncertainty, fear, loathing, and worthlessness threatened to overwhelm her.

Another whimper escaped her lips, her hand raising to hold his hand in place. They would not lose their connection ever again if she had her way. How had he gone so long hiding this from her? Instead of responding with words she pressed her tear wetted lips to his.

He kissed her back still torn between n his past and their seemingly his future as he remembered why he was packing

Admiral? She asked silently her own fear of him leaving her behind again trickling in. That was why she wanted to deepen their bond. She never wanted to be parted from him again in such an agonizing way.(edited)

He groaned ~West has fallen ill. I've been promoted and ordered back to Headquarters to take over for him. ~ he looked at the baby clothes scattered with his uniforms as the travel case had fallen.

~Promise me when this is over you'll take me home and we'll settle down?~ her heart ached at the idea of being without him. The terrible loneliness when he'd been dead had almost overwhelmed her reason.
He nodded ~I will do just that. I just don't know how in going to do this. I'm not am Admiral.~

Pride trickled from her mind to his. ~You are now.~ She was absolutely certain that he'd be an amazing admiral. His touch of darkness would only strengthen his ability. He was a genius and she lusted over his mind as much as she did his body.

He kissed her forehead ~I don't want to be... I.. I don't think I can do what Nathan did. I don't think I'm strong enough to lock up someone I care for even if it means danger to the federation. ~

~No one is asking you to be Admiral West. You can only be Admiral Ashcart. You can only be my Azura.~

~What id that's not enough? What if I make the wrong choice and millions die? What if I have to order them to send you to your death and everyone on this ship?~ the well of his uncertainty deepened as his mind filled with a thousand ways the Federation would end all with him in the center.

"Did you fear that when you were a captain?" Came the softly worded question "Do you fear the loss of life here on this ship?"

"Yes always. But now I will have to live with that on a massive scale and I won't die with you." his voice belied the conflicting emotions he felt as he understood more fully the torture that West went through on a daily basis.

"Part of you will" came her whisper, with a painful sharp certainty in it. "I wanted nothing more than to join you in death when your clone died under my hands. " Her body shuddered and she hid her face in the crook of his neck.

He sighed "I just don't.. I'm sorry love."

"You're going to be great my love" she whispered with a smile in her voice. Warmth and confidence traveled from her to him. "Gods I don't want to be alone again....but you...we can do this."

He looked at her "If you're not with me, how can it be 'we'?" he sighed and shook his head before taking her hands in his and kissing the back of them with only a slight tremble.

OFF

Azura Ashcart
Rear Admiral
Chief of Star Fleet Intelligence/Master of The Company
Star Fleet Headquarters, Earth

&

Keisha Afton
Major
Cheif Medical Officer
USS Redemption

 

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