The trauma of memories past

Posted on 24 Jun 2016 @ 4:33am by Rear Admiral Azura Ashcart & Major Keisha Afton
Edited on on 27 Jun 2016 @ 4:08pm

3,235 words; about a 16 minute read

Mission: Errand of Mercy
Location: Captain's Quarters
Timeline: ED 3 - 2115

Azura came into his quarters and took his uniform jacket off and placed it on the back of a chair. His movements were smooth and hid well the weariness he felt from spending two days up ensuring the ship was ready to launch. He felt terrible that he hadn't been there for his daughter and he dismissed the nurse who had been watching Savannah. The NCO left his quarters as he moved to look down at his daughter.

He felt the hunger she felt and nodded to himself "Food it is then little one." and he picked her up cradling her in his arms gently as he moved with renewed vigor to replicator. "Computer, one bowl of infants rice." the hissing and shimmering of the replicator creating the rice. As it finished he picked it up and whispered to his daughter. "There we go, now were going to give the baby some food." he placed the bowl down and slipped her into the high seat as he lashed her in. "You want some food baby girl?"

Major Afton, finally free of sickbay for the evening sighed and headed with weary steps towards the creche where she'd left Savannah. Upon arriving she noticed there was a distinct lack of babies with black curls.

"Where is Savannah?"

"Oh hello Doctor. The Captain came to get her an hour ago. That's okay isn't it?" The nurse looked nervous for a moment as if she'd done something wrong.

"No, it's fine that he gets her." Keisha said as she turned and headed towards her quarters, assuming that's where they were. Not sure of her feelings on the matter she simply let it go, for she would have to get used to his presence once more.

He scooped up a spoonful of rice and offered it to Savannah she gobbled it up quickly as she was famished. He grinned at her as the wave of enjoyment came down their link. He continued the process of offering spoonful after spoonful of rice to his daughter, all the while talking to her in a cooing voice. After a few moments something odd happened, she stopped eating the rice and instead sucked it into her mouth and then spit it out with force. Large globules of white semi-adhesive ooze slapped and then ran down his crimson tunic. He blinked to himself and raised an eyebrow. "That was most illogical little one." Her only response was a tittering giggle as her hand slapped down into the rice and then shot out to rub it across his face.

At this new occurrence he blinked hard, blinked harder again and then tilted his head to look at his daughter. The feeling of happiness radiated off of her as she smeared more rice onto his tunic and around the attached table of her high chair. He was so stunned that she was able to pick up the bowl and launch it across the room as she giggled manically, or at least that's what it sounded like to Azura.

"Have we created a devil spawn?" he muttered to himself thinking that her laugh foreshadowed evil. Then he shook his head "She's a baby Azura for the love of the gods. You need to stop reading all those reports." At that another glob of rice splatted onto his pants and began it's slow trek downwards. "Not evil, more mischievous, we should have named you Puck."

Keisha entered her quarters just in time to see the bowl of rice crash to the floor and spray white goop all across the carpet. The giggle however was enough to quell the initial reaction in her, but not enough to stop the words "Earthmother take me...what are you two doing?"

Azura stood and cast a meaningful glance to the baby then turned to face his wife. "We were, I was feeding her." at that one of the first globs of rice fell to the floor with a wet splat. "She apparently reached her satiation point before the contents of the bowl were emptied."

Keisha's snort of laughter was covered by her hand as she took in her husbands rice covered form. "Oh my." A giggle escaped her lips and punctuated the words "You're so distinguished right now Captain Ashcart Sir."

He nodded "I know, my daughter helped me put the uniform on." he said with the same dry tone he used on Ensigns it broke as he said the last two words and a soft smile cut his lips. "But distinguished exteriors hide much and right now, I wish nothing more than to lay bare myself with my daughter." he paused and looked at her the fear there but kept boxed away in a small part of his mind "and wife."

There was something about the words 'lay himself bare' that caught her up and made her truly look at her husband. He was a tough one for her to read, but she could see the fear there. What had they done to him? She shucked her coat so she could see the line she'd cut in her clan markings when Savannah's presence had made itself known...

He nodded and turned to pick up the child "Before though, perhaps a bath." he looked down at the unseemly globs on his uniform and added "And a change of cloths?"

"Toss that one into the recycler." she muttered "I have some of your clothes in the first drawer on the left." Her voice caught at the reason that she'd divested his quarters of clothing, because for months she couldn't sleep without the scent of him around her.

He nodded and offered the girlchild to her as she took her he turned and started to remove his shirt, forgetting about the scars that crisscrossed his body. They didn't hurt any longer but they were tangible, real reminders of what had happened and he wasn't the type to have them smoothed over for vanities sake. He found the shirt and pulled it on.

" tousebi notoone" she whispered to her daughter and walked into the bathroom with her in her arms. Setting her in the tub she turned the water on, and was rewarded with a delighted screech.

He stripped out of his pants and put on a fresh pair, star fleet issue they were not. With that he moved into the bathroom and leaned against the door as he looked at the two of them. He smiled softly and the image was almost enough to silence the screaming his fear was doing, locked away in the box. He would not let it rule him, he would not give the Confederacy it's second victory over him.

She felt his gaze on her and turned her head to look at him over her shoulder. Savannah happily sent water flying in every direction. "Have you eaten?"

He shook his head "Not yet little one came first." he paused and tore his eyes away from the child enjoying the water to look at her "Have you?"

" no, I've been not keeping up with my meals very well. hers of course are right on schedule but mine.." her voice trailed off as they both acknowledged silently the things were not well between them. " maybe we could?

He nodded "What would you like and I'll get it ready while you finish with her?"

That sounds nice." she picked up a sponge and lathered up one side of Savannah as the little girl shrieked with laughter

He paused and tilted his head "What would you like Kasia?"

As she waved her hand to indicate she didn't care whatever he wanted to make was fine with her

He nodded and decided to go with a Vulcan traditional meal, plomek soup. He walked to the replicator and requested the dish. Taking the covered pot and two bowls out of the replicator and moving to the table he placed it there. He took the time that Savannah was getting washed to clean the mess she had made before returning to the table and ladling out two bowls full of soup. He moved back to the replicator and requested two glasses of iced water, taking them and placed one where Kasia would sit and the other where he would. He took a steadying breath as he closed his eyes and prepared himself to do what his councilor had been suggesting for the past six months. Tell Kas what had happened.

The splashing tied down to a minimum and the giggles turned into Keisha's soft voice singing a lullaby too their daughter. The Vulcan words flowed off her lips as easily as her native language

Azura smiled to himself, this was his Keisha, the mother of his child and he would not let that go so easily. He exhaled and continued to center himself.

The lullaby continued to move AS Kesha walked around the bedroom rocking Savannah. Between the sound of her heart beat in the sound of her song the girl was soon sleeping soundly her thumb in her mouth. That was a habit they need to break eventually Keisha thought as she lay Savannah into her bed.

He could feel Keisha moving toward the living room where he was located. The table being in the living area, he stood as he saw her enter. Hold habbits and customs hard to break and offering a sense of harmony he so desperately needed. He gestured to the other side of the table and moved to pull the seat out for her.

Her smile while hesitant was warm as he pulled the chair out for her. "Comfort food?" She asked him softly as she laid her hand on his on the back of the chair.

At her touch the screaming box of fear broke through for a brief moment, his eyes widened and his heart sped up. Cold sweat popped out over his body but he forced himself to keep his hand there and not move. His breath caught in his throat and he had to close his eyes to regain the center he had been searching for. He couldn't speak but just nodded, as she sat he forced himself to push the chair in behind her and step away. He paused a heartbeat to long before moving to his own chair across from her. "Comfort food." he finally croaked out softly.

He was afraid. He was afraid of HER. That realization was almost enough to shatter The Fragile self-confidence she'd managed to build back up. her own internal struggle showed in her eyes as she watched him fight for control

He took another deep breath and motioned to her soup, he picked up his spoon and took a spoonful himself sipping it quietly. He repeated the motion several times as the anxiety and fear were again walled away and stuffed screaming into the box in his mind. He would not let this destroy his marriage, it was his family and he would fight for them.

"I.. I haven't told you what happened to me." his voice was shaky at best "What she did to me, what they did." he paused fighting for control as his mind remembered the events from his captivity.

"Is that....why you fear me husband?" She whispered her voice cracking with distress.
He shivered slightly "No, the physical abuse I could bare..." he paused again taking strength from the words his councilor had given him "It was that they used your image to inflict them that haunts me." his voice cracked and the spoon fell from his fingers to plunge into the soup. "Gods Keisha, I killed you, murdered you with my bare hands for what you..." he stopped the anguish on his face playing across quickly "what they did to me in your form."
"No. No tell me they did not." Her voice broke again and the tears that were welling in her eyes slid down her cheeks.
He nodded "They did.. that is why I'm afraid of you. I'm afraid of what I'll do to you..." he sighed.
He trembled slightly at her touch, the need and revulsion pulling him equally. He needed his wife but the things done to him by a woman in her image repulsed him, made him feel like a trapped animal in a maze. He worried about her safety and if he was honest, that was a main reason why he had been isolating himself from her. He didn't want to wake up one night with his hands around her lifeless neck. That thought chilled him as if it were December in the artic. Her warmth called to him though and he reached out and kissed her neck, his arm wrapped around her back before burying his face in her chest. The tears that streamed down his cheeks and stained her tunic were tears from emotions he was to tired to figure out.


Her cheek pressed against the top of his head, as she wept silently her tears mingling with his ebony hair. Not a sound escaped her, as she cradled him to her and her fingertips caressed the tears from his cheeks.

He couldn't speak but the turmoil, fear and pain radiated off of him in waves. He had been afraid to get close to her much less touch her for over half a year. There was a part of him that was happy West had concealed him away from her. He shook violently as the emotions wracked him.

A gentle kiss was pressed to his brow, as Keisha fought through the anguish of her husband. She'd fought through similar anguish when she'd been in labor with Savannah when she did not have him by her side. White lips brushed his ear and breathed "I love you."

He sobbed harder at her admission of love for he felt the same. Her admission caused him to harden in his resolve to heal, he would do anything, everything he could to not let his family be torn asunder by his actions.

It nearly broke her, to listen to his heart-wrenching sobs but her joy of holding him even for a moment eclipsed that. This was a moment she thought never to have again. A tear fell from her cheek to his, even with his face mostly hidden by her bosom.

His tears flowed for several more minutes before the combination of emotional strain and the toll of pulling the ship together for launch slammed into him. His grip on his wife slackened slightly then his arms fell just as quickly as they had wrapped around her. He pulled his face back and looked up at her the mental, emotional and physical exhaustion playing over his face making him look a century older than he was. His eyes were haunted as his voice quavered slightly. "I.. Im tired, so very tired." He couldn't finish his words but pushed himself up before falling back down into the chair.

Trembling fingertips raised to brush the tears from his cheeks, and soothe the deep green circles under his eyes. She eased herself out of his lap and extended her hands to him "Come my husband, and sleep beside me. I..." she paused not wanting to express how much she had missed having his warmth beside her.

Fear overtook all other emotions on his face as the image of his hands around her neck flashed vividly to mind. He shook his head violently. "N no no I can't... I'll not let myself harm you in my sleep. The night terrors..." he trailed off unable to put words to what he saw in his dreams.

Looking over through the door to her empty bed and the quilt in a pattern that was a unique combination of Arapaho and Vulcan Keisha felt despair overtake her. She couldn't fight this battle again, it had taken him so long to admit his love for her that they almost hadn't had a life together at all. Just long enough to be married before he was taken from her. Her blue eyes closed, as if she couldn't bear to let him share in the intensity of her loneliness and anguish for her nightmares were of this being a dream and the fact that he really was dead.

He paused as the loneliness and despair from her washed over him mixing with his own. It undulated like the gray wash of depression and threatened to over take him until a thought arose. There was someone he could trust to over power and subdue him before he could hurt Keisha. Someone he knew could watch over them all night. And the fear washed away for a moment as he nodded. His tired weak voice, a shadow of his normal commanding tone spoke out.

"Pallas?" He said softly and a few moments later the image of the ship's own Holographic goddess appeared.

"Watch us tonight and keep me from hurting Keisha. This will not overly tax your systems will it"
She shook her head. "No sir it will not. I will maintain watch without being here in person. For your privacy." She said before inclining her head and winning out of existence. With that the fat of hurting her muted and the fear of her hurting him intensified. That one however he could live with had lived with their bond helped him box away that feat and replace it with the love he felt for her. He slowly arose from the seat and took a tired slow step towards her.

Lost in her pain, she didn't notice that he was approaching her, or that she was weeping staring at her empty bed. Everything in her hurt right now, inside and out. Somewhere she registered that it was psychosomatic pain, but she couldn't break free enough to listen to her logical voice in the sea of emotion she was drowning in.

His voice rang out as he reached out a hand to her, the stress to much as his knees buckled. "Keisha! " He hit the floor with a soft muffled thud that was his knees impacting the carpet and he grunted. "Keisha?"

The sounds shook her physically and broke through her tunnel vision. She whirled around, smacking herself with her braid in her swiftness to see him kneeling on the ground. "Azura...Are you hurt?"

"I'm tired beyond all measure." He said as his posterior found perch on his heels. "Meditation and sleep have eluded me for days now."

She extended her hands to him and aided him from the floor to the bed. "You are not alone in that.”

"Help me to bed then? Pallas will ensure your safety. I need rest." He looked at her "As do you."

Keisha chuckled and then used herself as a crutch to help him into her bed. The scent of his tea wrapped around her and the warmth it inspired in her flowed through her veins. "Indeed."

He hobbled slowly but didn't falter with her help. As they made it to the bed he reached down and pulled back the blankets before easing himself to the mattress and sighing as the sheets pushed up against him and allowed him to fall into unconsciousness within moments. He was where he should be, with who he was supposed to be with.

OFF:

Azura Aschart
Captain
Commanding Officer
USS Redemption

&

Major Keisha Afton
Chief Medical Officer
USS Redmpetion

 

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